Happy New Year!

 

Here we are in 2020 and it’s back to the hustle. I’ve gotten two birthdays down, two to go (the oldest just turned thirteen and the youngest seven. The twins will be eleven at the end of the month!). I’ve been on call overnight at the hospital, the shopping and cooking and cleaning has to be done, and our new homeschool teacher has started. It’s been busy – and good.

I’ve certainly had lots of opportunities to work on managing my mind. This time of year, between holiday preparations and birthdays, I’m running at top speed. And I get tired of the pace, right around now. I’ve been busy with all this since Halloween, so I tend to start to feel like a break is needed, even though I know that I’ve got a little more to do before I get back to my normal frenetic pace. We’ve also had a lot of changes at work recently, so if you add all the busyness at home to the growing pains of change at work, my brain and body are both getting a workout!

 

Around 6:30 am a couple of mornings ago, I packed up my bags and was taking them to the car after working in the hospital overnight. On my way into work the day before, I had stopped by Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods to get the gluten free cupcake I needed for the baby’s birthday, so I picked up other groceries I needed for the house while I was there. Those two stores aren’t close to my house, so when I go into the city, I try to swing by and get what we need. I had stored the perishables in a refrigerator in the doctor’s lounge overnight and was carrying that bag, my purse, my computer bag, and a bundle of a dozen white roses I’d bought. As I entered the elevator, a woman saw the roses and commented that someone must like me!

That was a nice thought, right? Someone must appreciate me enough to have bought me roses. I didn’t know her, so I almost just agreed and let that comment pass. But I told her the truth. I replied, “Yeah, I like me – I bought these roses!” We both chuckled and I went down to the car and packed up.

 

My little red chariot...

 

I’ve been thinking about this little interaction ever since. Why did I tell her that I bought the roses? Why do people assume that someone else bought the flowers? Is it strange that I buy flowers for myself? Why am I spending my brain space on this? Actually, I know why the thought is hanging around: It’s because of my history around flowers. When I was dating and engaged and after I got married more than 16 years ago, a vase of fresh flowers in my house generally meant that I’d been given those flowers by my husband, and generally for special occasions like an anniversary or birthday. Of course, those events only happen twice a year, so fresh flowers were a rare occurrence. But I like flowers, and I said so to him, many times. And at one point he worked near a florist and brought me flowers for no reason at all, but it wasn’t as often as I would have liked. And I asked and lamented and pouted and nagged, but that didn’t bring more flowers to me. Mind you, my husband does a ton of other very generous and lovely things for me – but the flowers were a no-go. Who knows why?

So I was in a grocery store one day a few years ago and noticed that the flowers looked fresh and the prices were good. As I walked past the display, a little voice in my head said, “Buy some.” I argued with myself about it for a moment, but then decided that yes, I would get them. And after I got them home and cut the stems and put them in my hand-painted ceramic vase, I put them on my bedside table. Every time I looked at them or smelled the delicate scent, I felt a little pop of joy. So I decided that buying myself flowers was a good and inexpensive way to take care of my own happiness. It was an act of kindness to me. So I’ve continued to do it.

 

So why mention it to the woman on the elevator? Because I wanted her to know that someone else didn’t have to buy me flowers, that buying them for myself was a way to appreciate me. And hopefully, she might do the same or something similar for herself. As a mom and wife and friend and sister and daughter and (for me) a doctor, life is often consumed with taking care of others. And so many of us think that our needs come last, and that other people should do nice things for us. I’m learning to disagree with both thoughts. First, even though those who are dependent on me might need their needs to come before mine sometimes, it’s actually not ALL of the time. Sometimes, especially as they get older, they can wait. I can take a hot bath, I can eat my dinner before helping with a project (instead of eating a handful of nuts and drinking a glass of wine to hold off my hunger until they go to bed). I can buy myself flowers and make time for a mani/pedi, and I can take a few minutes to do the yoga that makes me feel so much better in my mind and my body.

 

 

Second, no one has to do nice things for me. Who said they should? If someone chooses to do something for you, we often think that it’s because we’ve done something worth noticing or that we are loved by them because of how we’ve treated them. But here’s the thing: When someone does something for you, it’s about them. They do something for you because of how they think about you, because they’re feeling generous, because they like something you did. How many times have you done the same for someone else? That was about you and how you were thinking of the person you were loving. We’ve all done many things, many acts of care and kindness that have gone unnoticed. Does that mean anything? It just means that you did something lovely and another didn’t outwardly acknowledge it. It doesn’t change your love or care, even if no one saw it.

I’ve come to the conclusion that if I want to be appreciated for the hard work I’m doing, then I’m just as good a person to do the appreciation as someone else. I can do something nice for me, I can thank myself for a job well done, and I can be in charge of how I feel about the service and care I give. If no one notices, I do.  And that way, I do what I do because I want to give, and not because I feel compelled (God loves a cheerful giver – 2 Cor 9:7). If someone else does something nice for me, it’s extra. But they don’t have to – I can love on me. Besides, who knows better what encouraging words I want to hear than I do? Who knows I want flowers today better than me?  No, I don’t get this right all the time. I fall back into my old way of thinking regularly and have to remind myself that I have a new way of thinking. It takes practice. But those white roses on my bedside table are a nice reminder!

 

 

How about you? How are you kind to yourself? What’s the most recent beautiful thing you did for yourself? Please share in the comments below!