I bought a car magnet that says, “Kindness Matters” out of a catalog a few years ago. The intention of the magnet was to encourage other drivers around you to be more considerate on the road, maybe to help decrease road rage and foster a more calm commute.

It lives on our frig…

 

 

Initially I figured it was a good reminder for the kids. They are constantly bickering, fighting, arguing, competing, jockeying for position – they’re normal kids. And after having lived with them for more than a decade, I’m pretty sure that kindness isn’t inherent. It must be taught. And modeled. And practiced. So the magnet sits in the hub of our home, a silent and every present reminder to exercise our kindness with each other.

 

But maybe it means more than that. I’ve started reading a book by one of my heroes in holistic gynecology named Christiane Northrup, MD. She’s written many books, but the one I’m reading now is called The Wisdom Of Menopause. It’s a huge book and has a lot of info to digest, so I haven’t finished it yet. There is a theme that seems to be running through it though, and that is that many women have spent most of their adult lives taking care of other people. And when we do that, we seem to do it to the exclusion of caring for ourselves. We tend to give lots of reasons for why that is, but a big one is that we feel selfish taking care of ourselves when others need us. Dr Northrup gets into much more detail, but she notes that when menopause and the shift that happens there comes, the lack of self care and self love is revealed, and is not well tolerated at all. It’s as if we’ve spent years of pushing our own needs into a closet, and there’s no more room. The closet is full to bursting, it’s over capacity, and all that stuff inside has to be sorted out. We can’t ignore our own needs forever.

 

That closet…

 

Why not? There’s lots of reasons. I’m not sure where we get it into our hearts that it’s our role to meet other’s needs, but that ours don’t matter. Somehow we decide that it’s selfish to ask for what we need. We learn to “put on our big girl panties and deal with it”. Doesn’t really matter how we feel about things or what the effects are on us. I’m no different. I don’t know where or when I decided to believe that my needs didn’t matter, that being an adult woman/mom/mother meant I didn’t really matter.

I’ve been living this way for awhile and I’ve gotten pretty clear what I think about it: It stinks. Living as if you don’t matter sucks, and it doesn’t do anyone any good. First of all, if you are tired, undernourished, physically weak and emotionally underfed, what is it that you have to give away to someone else? You’re running on fumes! Secondly, this is a twisted way to think about a woman’s lot in life. We’ve gone through phases as womankind, with living without equal rights to men and being “owned” by our husbands or fathers, to the women’s suffrage movement, to the separatist feminist mindset and all things in between. I don’t believe that we have to give up lives with husband and family to live fully realized lives as women. But trying to do what we are doing now, working and taking care of home and children and often parents, and doing it alone, is not what womanhood should be about. Thirdly, this isn’t the legacy I want to leave my daughters. I don’t want them to look at me and think, “Well, if that’s the life of a working mom and wife, I don’t want any parts of it!” Or they might just decide that loving other people well means they are won’t have space for love and care themselves. Nope, not at all how I want them to live.

 

 

I want my girls (and my son too for that matter!) to be kind to themselves. There’s plenty of destructive criticism and mean spirited attitudes to go around without it being self inflicted. Here’s the thing though: I find it very hard to be kind to me. The thoughts that go through my head when I look in the mirror, or miss something on my list, or put on something that doesn’t fit well, or…  The list goes on and on. Let’s just agree that most of what I say to myself wouldn’t be anything that would come out of my mouth to someone else, even if I didn’t like them. It would just be mean. But why? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be kind to myself?

Somewhere along the way I started believing the critical voice in my head. I wasn’t even paying attention to it. I was just letting it tell me all sorts of negative things and believing that I was what I’d done. See, I know all the mean, critical, unloving, angry, ugly things in me, even when no one else sees them. For years, I’ve let my brain tell me that all that stuff means that I am those things. And in order to be worth love and care, I need to make up for it by doing for others. That’s called penance. And it’s untrue. The truth is the way Jesus tells it, that we are worth so much that we are worth dying for. We are loved that much! God doesn’t ask us to work our way into being worthy of love. We already are. And we have to recognize the voice of self criticism and unworthiness as the lie, and the voice of love and kindness as truth.

 

Psalm 139:14

 

It takes practice. And boy, do I need it! After years of practicing whipping my self into shape, by doing the right thing because that’s what a good girl does, I have to purposefully choose to think differently. I have to check in with my self and listen to that voice. Is it telling the truth? Or am I listening to a constantly critical background chatter? Am I being loving and kind to myself?

 

Sometimes the hardest thing is to accept the love around you, mostly because you aren’t accepting it in you. This week my kids decided they wanted to do a “spa day” for their homeschool teacher and auntie, because the first official day of homeschool is next week and they wanted to do something nice for her. Then they came to me and asked shyly when I had a day off so they could do one for me. Honestly, my first thought was, “I don’t have time for that. When would I get everything else done?” Then my son said to me, “Mommy, you always spend your time off shopping and running around. It doesn’t seem like it’s really a day off.” He was right. My kids could see it, and they wanted to love me. So I cut my running around off and let them. They soaked and rubbed and put hot towels on my feet, gave me a back rub, and my oldest made me a face mask of mashed avocado. They put it all together, and they cleaned it up afterwards. It was new and a little strange, having my kids pour attention on me, but I loved it!

 

 

I am worthy of love and care. Living that way starts with managing the voice in my head. Then I can practice being kind to myself, both in the thoughts I have and also in the choices I make to take care of myself, without guilt. Because I matter too!

 

And so do you! Do you find it hard to take care of yourself? Why? Have you found ways to overcome it? Please share in the comments so we can help each other!