This has been a tough week! I haven’t wanted to write this post at all. Why? Because even though I know that being open and vulnerable is good for the soul, I still haven’t learned to love it. Yet.
Here’s how this blog works. When the idea of the blog came, I was resistant. Why in the world would I add one more thing to my list of responsibilities? Life is already busy enough! But since the idea wouldn’t go away, and I was pretty certain that God wanted me to write, I pulled together my resources and launched this site (with lots of help!). But I made a deal with God (ever do that?). I would only write when and what he wanted me to: I had to be led to a topic, something that needed to be said, either for me or for someone who needed to read it. And that has been how it has gone, each week. I’ve been inspired and written each of these posts. If I didn’t have something to say, I wouldn’t write. But so far, just about every week there has been something to write for this blog.
The creative process at work…
So what’s the problem? This week I’m supposed to talk about anxiety. My anxiety. I’m sitting here growling at the computer screen. I don’t want to talk about this! But I know I need to, both because I’m learning how to manage it and because I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one fighting this battle. It’s hard though, because I feel like I should be able to manage my life without working myself into a tizzy. As a grown woman and a professional, I have this image of myself as being able to keep it all together with grace and poise. Being anxious doesn’t fit with that! And I’m ashamed of it. So what? Does it really matter if I feel shame about my anxiety? Won’t that help me to deal with it? Actually no, it won’t. Shame pushes us further into hiding, into the darkness. It makes me impatient and unkind to myself. And if being mean to myself isn’t enough, that lack of compassion and love for myself spills over to the people around me, especially anyone who is closest. For me, knowing that treating me poorly will cause my husband and babies to suffer is enough for me to fight to get out of the darkness of shame.
The last two weeks have been full of changes. The solution to a tough situation in my life has just become clear and big transitions are happening. You’d think I’d be overjoyed to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But seeing things change actually has provoked the anxiety. It’s funny (not funny ha-ha, funny odd): Staying in a known dysfunctional situation is sometimes easier than going into a better but unknown and therefore uncertain scenario. The security of knowing what to expect, even when it’s not what’s best, has kept me holding onto the familiar because I’ve been afraid of the new and unfamiliar. Ever do that? Ever been stuck in a tough place wanting to get out, but hesitate to move because you don’t know where you’re going? It might be better, but heck, it might be worse, so maybe where I am isn’t so bad. Warped thinking, I know, but that’s where I’ve been…
In addition to the life changes, I’ve been exhausted this week. It’s been really busy at the hospital, I’ve been driving all over Atlanta to get where I need to go around the I-85 disaster, and all that plus being anxious has kept me from getting enough sleep. When I wake up in the mornings, some days this week my first thought has been, “When can I go back to sleep?” That thought was a daily occurrence when I was in residency, but now I’m normally at my highest energy in the mornings. Getting my balance right has been a challenge. I realized that if I didn’t get back on track, I was going to worry myself into getting sick. I knew I needed more sleep, so I’d sleep a little later in the mornings. But then, I didn’t have time to pray, meditate and exercise, so my days weren’t feeling as smooth. One day this week, I found myself in my office (with the door closed, of course), lying on the floor under my desk on top of my sweater. I just needed to be horizontal for a few minutes! This actually was a good thing. I laid there, did my meditation breathing, and looked out the window at the blue sky. It was very calming and the rest of the afternoon went well seeing my patients.
So now what? I am feeling better now. The things that are happening are good things and my anxiety comes from me trying to maintain the illusion of control. The truth is, that the good that is coming is a gift, and I can’t dictate all the details of it. I can act where I need to, but the coordination of it all is out of my hands. Trying to hold on to it all is what keeps me anxious. So I’m letting go, remembering the good of the situation and trusting that how it all comes together will be for the best. How do I help myself stay in this more peaceful space? I do what I know works:
- Pray
- Meditate
- Write my grateful list and journal (lots!)
- Get outside and walk
- Breathe, slow and deep
- Use open and positive language (words are powerful!)
- Be kind to myself
I don’t get to do all this every day. I try to get to two to three a day, and if I can do more I do it. But the last one on the list is critically important. I am learning to practice patience and kindness toward myself. After years of whipping myself into compliance and berating myself when I’ve failed, this is an unfamiliar space. But I need to move into a place of love for me. I’m also worth it. It’s not just everyone close to me who is worthy of my love and attention – it’s me too. I have more to give them when I’m not beating myself up for a mistake or imperfection. I’m learning to be human and fallible, not superwoman., and offer the forgiveness I give to others to myself. In the end, I’m growing a bigger heart, more patient self, and a powerful trust in the grace and love of my Creator.
That’s it for this week. Does anyone feel the shame and anxiety struggle like I do? Help me and other by sharing in the comments section below!