I am so frustrated.

 

How did it get to be April already? It seems like I was just recovering from Christmas and all the January birthdays, and all of a sudden I’m making the office schedule for July and frantically looking for summer vacation childcare.  Where did the winter go? I feel very behind in everything. Let me explain.

 

These schedules…

 

First, I’m not one of those remarkable people who live in the moment. I wish I was.  I’m learning to do it more, but it’s just not natural for me. The upside is that I’m a great planner. I think ahead, I rarely miss deadlines, I get a lot done. But I acutely feel the passage of time. It’s uncanny. Without a watch (or cell phone), you can ask me what time it is at any time of day and I can usually tell you within 10 minutes. Keeps me on track. But that clock in my head is the source of a lot of anxiety.  The ticking away of time makes me think I’m missing out on something, so even when I’m making progress, I feel like I’m standing still. Or worse, I think I’ve lost an opportunity and won’t get another chance. Of course, that leads to guilt and regret and a cascade of negative thoughts. I’ve got a few recent examples. Want to hear about them? Keep reading…

 

First, my career plans are not moving along at the speed that I want them to move. I have a great job, no doubt, but I have expanded my medical knowledge into holistic and integrative care that goes beyond what I can do in my traditional physician role. So, I want to start a YouTube channel, write books (I have a few titles already!) and give seminars. Now. I want it all to happen right now. But it’s not. Why? It might have something to do with the fact that I work four days a week as a doctor, am married, have four kids, and am homeschooling. The house has to be managed, the kids need guidance and training, they have to be educated and fed, and I keep having to get up and go to work. Now, I like my work and I enjoy the people I take care of and work with. But I hear this calling to do more. This blog is part of that. It feels like I’m moving forward at what feels like an excruciatingly slow pace. And so I’m frustrated!

 

(I love this picture!)

 

Second, I have these four beautiful children that I have been given to raise. They are smart, loving, funny, interesting and all around amazing people (and no, I’m not biased at all). My oldest is now eleven years old. Academically, they are doing extremely well and they are happy and social. And while they’ve participated in activities (ballet, Tae Kwan Do, gymnastics, basketball, piano), none of them have any level of proficiency at any of them. So? Here’s the problem. I expected that by this point, they would have found their “gift” and been building on it. Gaining mastery. But I’m not even sure what their gifts are, so I feel like a failure for not directing them more intentionally, and because the oldest only has seven more years with us. That’s not a lot of time. Do I really want virtuoso kids? Well, not really. That’s a lot of stress and pressure for them. But I did expect that I’d help them find their direction, their passion, God’s dream and purpose for their lives. Maybe that’s not my job as their mom, maybe it’s their job, but my expectations keep getting in the way.

 

 

See, my mom was a force of nature. She worked full time, got me and my brother to all kinds of activities and programs, ran the house and was always there to support us. She’s the reason that I can play the violin, tennis, dance, and enjoy public speaking. Even if she didn’t do those things herself, she made me believe I could do anything. That’s what I’m trying to imitate with raising my kids, and it’s tough. I had no idea growing up how hard she worked for us, but I get it now. I want to be as good for my kids as she was for me. I’m not quite sure I’m going to make it…

 

Me and mom

 

Third, I want to retire. No, not tomorrow (unless I have a wealthy fairy godmother somewhere), but I am the first to recognize that this particular career in obstetrics and gynecology has a lifespan. You just can’t be up all night delivering babies forever. You also can’t do surgery forever. The body is not designed to do this kind of work indefinitely. I am no exception. And I don’t want to be! I’m looking forward to the magical day when work is optional.  The day when I can plan a few months away in France or somewhere, writing and teaching on holistic health while my husband gives bible lessons (his passion) and we can fund our own time away – now that will be a dream come true! But I’ve been working for more than a decade making a good income and I don’t feel like we are as close as I’d like to be to that dream. Have we made progress? Yes, but we’re not exactly on my timeline.

 

Here’s the good news: I’ve located the problem. It’s me. My thinking is causing me all this angst!  One of my deep set philosophies is that time is a commodity, like money. It goes in one direction, and you can’t get it back once it’s gone. You can waste it if you want, but there’s no recovering lost time. And yes, this is true. But, this thinking is stressful! A better way to think about time is when I remind myself that I have all the time I need. Everything won’t get done today, and it’s not supposed to.

The second thought that causes all this ruckus it that I am in charge. Do you know the poem Invictus (I am master of my fate, I am captain of my soul)? Thrilling words, but wrong. Even when I learned the poem for the first time years ago, I knew it wasn’t quite right. God is the Master of my fate and the Captain of my soul, and he has a plan and a timeline for what I’m doing. Just because he hasn’t laid out the plan in a document for my approval does not mean it isn’t perfect AND better than mine. I keep forgetting that. And then when I’m all anxious and worried about what I’ve done or not done, I wonder why.

 

 

So what do I do to get my mind in the right place? I’m still praying and meditating, and that’s the most helpful in stilling the worry and noise. I practice being present (you can read more about how to do this in my post Slowing TIme). Recently I’ve also started using a process of inquiry on my thoughts that I’ve been learning about called The Work by Byron Katie. She has written books and has videos on line, and her process of examination of thought is simple but radical. When I worry about something that isn’t happening when I think it should, I ask myself, “Is it true that that thing should be happening right now? Do I really know that to be true?” Usually, almost always, the answer is no. I don’t know that I’m supposed to have my retirement lined up or that my kids should be mastering a talent or that I should be writing a book and running a YouTube channel right now. It may be that those are things that will come, but in this moment, what is actually happening is as it should be. And that brings calm and peace.

 

Are you living in the moment or rushing ahead to where you think you ought to be? How do you balance your life today and your dreams for the future with peace in your heart? Please share in the comments below!