When I was a kid, I started tons of activities – tennis, violin, piano, softball, drama, ballet, gymnastics (and probably others I can’t remember). In the beginning, the activities were new and exciting. There was new equipment and uniforms or costumes and teachers and team or classmates. The class was fun and fresh, and usually, I picked up the beginner level skills easily.
That didn’t last.
The longer I’d stay in the activity, the more work I’d have to do to continue to excel. That wasn’t as much fun for me – that meant actual work. So my answer was to quit the activity until my mother finally put her foot down and said I needed to stay with the work. So I did and I learned a lot, generally a better work ethic and how good it feels to have mastered a skill that you work at consistently.
But there was a downside to practicing to persevere no matter what. Whenever I’d be in a situation when I wanted to quit, I’d feel such guilt over it that I couldn’t leave without a lot of shame and regret. When I was thirteen, I was in a program that was designed to train young black kids to become professional musicians. I’d gone through an audition and won a scholarship to the program and was awarded free lessons with professors in violin, piano, and music theory, and I became a member of a youth symphony orchestra in Boston. I went to a music camp for a month each summer. And while I enjoyed the orchestra and music camp, I fought doing the practice work I needed to do each week between lessons. I dreaded showing up to the lessons unprepared, but I kept doing it. Listening to music, being part of the music was wonderful, but I didn’t love playing my primary instrument (the violin). I wanted to quit at least once a week. My professors all said I was extremely talented and had incredible potential, and a powerful ear for music, but I wasn’t going to get better in my performance unless I practiced. I just would not make myself do it.
Toward the end of my eighth-grade year, things came to a head. It was explained to me that if I didn’t want to take full advantage of this opportunity and put in the effort that I should step back and allow another gifted student the chance to have my spot. I finally realized that the goal of the program was not to enrich me but to produce musicians – and I didn’t want to be one. I always wanted to be a physician, and no amount of joy in the world of music was going to turn me into one. Maybe if I’d developed a greater level of mastery of the instrument I would have enjoyed it more. And there are days even now that I miss playing music. But when I realized the space I was in was not for me and that I was blocking someone else, I stepped down. And I do not regret it.
My violin. I still play occasionally…
It’s not always wrong to quit. Sometimes it’s the right thing to do. There are times when you’ve committed to something that turns out to be the wrong space for you to fill and you don’t leave because you don’t want to be a quitter. But how do you know when it’s right to leave? It all depends on your reasons.
For example, you may be enrolled in a weight loss course to get off the thirty pounds you’ve been carrying around since your last baby. But you keep cheating the program, sabotaging your results, and resisting the work you need to do to get the weight off. So why are you trying to lose the weight anyway? Are you trying to get back into high school size jeans so you feel better about yourself? Are you trying to get your husband to stop making little comments about the weight you’ve gained? Are you trying to get your weight down before the reunion or wedding you have to attend in a few months? Maybe you think that life will be perfect when you drop the weight (it won’t because life will still be what it is). The truth may be that the reasons you have are external and not reasons that give you the compelling why you need to persevere when the work gets hard. Maybe you aren’t really ready to lose weight. And what if that’s ok? What if you decide when and why you lose weight because you have a reason to do it that you love?
Or you’re in a mom’s book club that meets every month, complete with a potluck and discussion of whatever you’re read. And even though it seemed like a good idea at the time, you find that you dread having to come up with a new dish to cook and share and you really don’t want to read on a schedule and you’re exhausted after each gathering. You’re afraid that if you quit, the other moms will think badly of you and you’ll lose your friends. So you stay because you want them to like you, but really they don’t know you because you’re showing up as the made-up version of you who is there because you feel like you should. What if you stay because you like the people in the group? Or what if you leave because the group isn’t what you need and you stay in touch with the women you’ve become friends with there?
It all depends on your reason. You have to choose your reason and like it before you make your decision. Did you catch that? You have to like your reason. So often we make decisions for reasons that we really don’t like, for ones that don’t honor our deepest convictions and selves. Then we live these false or superficial rationalizations and wonder why we’re miserable. You don’t have to quit, and you don’t have to stay. But you must like your reason for whichever you choose. Don’t lie to yourself. For example, if you choose to stay at your job, don’t tell yourself it’s because you have to stay. You don’t have to do anything. You choose to stay because you like your paycheck and like being able to pay your bills. You pay taxes because you like staying out of prison. You take care of your kids because you want them to be well.
I almost quit this week. My calendar was planned out for creating my online weight loss course, there was a lot to do and from the very start of the week, I kept running into obstacles and getting further behind. I already had an outstanding task lingering from last week. So I let my mind keep offering up the thought that maybe all this creating just wasn’t possible, that as a woman with young kids working full time I just don’t have the bandwidth to get this done. And I almost agreed with my brain. Once I calmed down and let the frustration pass through, I knew that my misery was because I let my mind offer me up the old thoughts and I could choose to think differently. If I wanted to, I could choose to think that I’m in control of building this course, and the pace and plan are up to me, regardless of what family life looks like. My frustration was from the interruptions in my plan, and because I truly believe that the creation I’m doing is God’s plan for me, I really don’t want to quit.
When I’m tempted to quit, I always check my reason why. For me, it’s usually some flimsy reason like I’m tired of doing the work or I think the process is taking too long. When I remind myself why I started the project in the first place, I still want to finish what I started. So I take a deep breath, maybe take a moment, then dust myself off and keep going. And if I realize that my direction was a mistake or that I’ve grown out of where I am, I own that and decide how to gracefully and kindly step back. Then it’s time to look up and figure out where I’m going. And like my reason why…
Have you ever felt like you wanted to quit something but struggled with the decision? Sometimes it’s useful to have help telling the truth to yourself and liking the reason for your decision. That’s what a coach is for! Let me know if you’d like help in the comments below and we’ll set up a time to talk!
And here’s the last video in the Weight Loss and Hormones series. Don’t miss it!