Well, I did it.
Remember last week when I talked about worrying myself sick (actually catching a cold or something because of stress)? Despite my best efforts at managing my mind, being consistent in prayer and meditation, and keeping an upbeat attitude, the stress manifested in my body anyway. And I feel like a fraud. In addition to dealing with the upheaval in my job, his job, our homeschool, and preparing for the Lifestyle Medicine board exam in October, my body is breaking down too? Really, how am I supposed to be a holistic physician who helps people find wellness if I can’t do it for myself?
Yeah, I’m just beating myself up. But the good part of it all is that I’ve been thinking a lot about what I need to do to get balanced. A lot of what I do to stay balanced is good – the meditation and prayer, yoga, walking, thought management and journaling. But one thing I’ve started seeing is that one of my core beliefs is out of whack. I mean, completely out of touch with reality. Want to know what it is?
I believe that what I do controls what happens in my life.
Now, I do believe in cause and effect. If I don’t wash my clothes, I won’t have anything to wear, and that’s completely on me. But somewhere in my brain I hold this thought that if I try as hard as I can, and do all the right things, that everything should work out as I planned. If I do all the holistic wellness practices faithfully, I won’t get sick. If I plan well enough, everything with our homeschool will go smoothly. If I focus hard enough, I will get everything done on my to-do list. If I do everything right, nothing bad or hard will ever happen to me.
Seems a little crazy when its written down, doesn’t it? But that’s how I’ve been thinking. And I know lots of people think this way too – I’m sure of it. How do I know? Because when unpleasant, difficult, or tragic things happen, then response is almost universal: Why is this happening to me? It doesn’t matter if you’re frustrated because your work day ran late, or if traffic is insane and you spend an hour plus on the road trying to get home, or if you got a scary diagnosis at your doctor’s appointment. You want to know why it’s happening to you and what you did to deserve it. As if you could have avoided it if you’d done something, anything better/differently/right.
Here’s the problem with that line of thinking: It assumes that you are in control. You are the “master of your fate, the captain of your soul”. Inspiring thought, but not true. We’d like to believe that cause and effect rules most of our lives, at least the good parts. Good things happen to us because we work hard and we deserve it. Don’t we tell our kids that if they put in the work, they earn the rewards that come from that effort? On the other hand, we don’t really want to believe we earned the consequences of inaction or laziness or disorganization. We want to catch a break, or believe those are just plain old bad luck.
The truth is more complex and nuanced than pure cause and effect. It may be that your hard work earned the promotion, and that your lack of planning made you miss the meeting you needed to attend at your son’s school. And you can and should put forth your best effort in the ways you have influence. The problem comes in with the worry that circles constantly, the nagging sense that if you don’t get is all done or do it all right, everything is coming crashing down on your head. And when things fall apart or look grim, you think it’s because of something you did or didn’t do. But lots of things happen for reasons we don’t see until after they’ve moved on. Sometimes there are lessons to learn that have nothing to do with how hard we’re trying. If everything is linked to your effort, there’s no room for God to move things around to show you new ways to grow.
That’s one thing I’m learning now. Some of the things that are happening in my life I just don’t understand. They don’t have to do with what I did or didn’t do, but they are affecting me. They’re hard, I don’t like them, and I want them to get fixed, now. And no matter how many times I remind myself that worse things could be happening (positive psychology), I’m fine right now (mindfulness), it’ll all be for the best (positive mental attitude), it’s really more than that. I am not in control. I’m human, I’m doing my best, and this place is not heaven. God can see the whole picture, but I can’t, and I’m really not supposed to. I’m learning to trust, to grow in my faith, and to find peace in the discomfort. Things will go off of my plan, I will get sick, but I will heal and God is working things out the way they are supposed to be worked out. When I worry, I actually am in the opposite place from trust. My mind is not here in this present moment when I worry, because it’s either in the past or in the future. I remember reading once that worrying was like sitting in a rocking chair – you’re moving, but you’re not going anywhere. Here’s another thought:
“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?” – Luke 12:25
What exactly is worrying accomplishing for me, other than practicing a pattern of thinking that doesn’t serve me, pulling me away from trust in God’s plan, and producing insomnia and illness? Nothing. I’m not saying that it’s easy not to worry. Actually, by this point in my life, I’ve gotten very good at it! And while learning other ways to manage my thoughts is a lot of hard work, it’s much more calming and productive. I’m not rocking away to nowhere! Surrendering control isn’t so much giving up something as it is an acknowledgement of fact. It’s a more sane approach to addressing reality. I can’t control my own heartbeat or breathing, even if I can influence them. Life is the same way. So I will keep managing my thoughts, praying, meditating, and breathing. And I surrender the future to the one who can see it as it will be.
How do you manage your worrying? Please share in the comments below!
You know, my husband wanted me to write a post on how I helped our family go plant based. We’ve all been animal food free for the past four months, and everyone is happy with it and feeling well. Would that be something you’d like to know more about? Let me know in the comments section!