I’m glad you’re back! I’m feeling like I need some friends around right about now. It’s been a challenging two weeks, and the first thing to go when I’m busy and squeezed is my time with friends. Then I feel isolated and lonely and even more discouraged and… Well, I’m glad you’re here!

 

 

So why has the last two weeks been hard? Well, two weeks ago I wrote post #52 and talked about how I had slowly gained back some of the weight I’d lost. And while I was upset and alarmed by the weight gain, I was committed to going back to listening to God’s signals for eating only when I was hungry and stopping when I was full. And I also said that while I was hoping for the weight to come off again, the point was to hone my practice of listening to God, and I knew that I have to grow even more than ever in this as I move toward the next phase in my life. Well. Let me tell you how that actually went…

 

The first day went well. I was happy and excited to start on this new journey! Day two was a whole different story. It was a weekend and I was home with the family and while they needed to eat regularly, apparently I did not. I wasn’t hungry most of the day, which would seem like a good thing to free up time to do other stuff, but I didn’t take it well. I was resentful – how come they get to eat and I don’t? And I wanted to eat what I was serving, but I knew that I was supposed to wait. It would have been a lot easier on a work day, since I could just keep going through all the work and food wouldn’t have been right there in front of me!

 

 

I waited. And when I got hungry, I ate a small dinner. The next day, I waited again and ate when I was hungry. And so on. Each day I weighed myself (I know that’s not always best, but that’s what I did the last time I lost weight, so…). And I did not lose any weight. Not an ounce. Maybe I shouldn’t have cared and my focus on my spiritual growth should have been enough, but it wasn’t. I was tired, busy, frustrated, cranky, and just plain pissed off.  I’m sorry, I tried to think of another phrase to use that might not offend someone, but this was the truly most accurate way to describe how I felt. And I was exhausted! I kept wondering if I was hormonal or getting sick or not eating the right foods, or something! But then I realized what was really going on.

 

 

First, I’m out of practice. Flabby. I was trying to pick up where I left off, expecting that instantly I would start dropping weight like I did the first time, not remembering that the first time I was desperate and willing to do whatever I needed to do to get the weight off. Also, I was eating a lot more than I do now, but that’s not the point. I needed to get my laser focus back and I was going to have to work at it. But that was hard.  And I wanted it to be easy.

 

Second, I’m trying to take my spiritual strength to a new level. No more baby steps. In the past, that worked, but if I’m moving forward, some heavy lifting is required. Again, that’s hard.

 

Third, while God might be thrilled that I’m ready to get closer to him, the truth is that there are dark spiritual forces that would prefer that I do not. That works against me, and really, I shouldn’t be surprised. If the process is easy and I don’t have to work too hard, then I won’t grow and get stronger. That is going to take all my effort and focus and energy. And it’s just going to be hard – for a little while.

 

So what did I do? I’d like to say I did well through these weeks, but I started out pretty rough. My husband tried to help, as did our aunt who is living with us right now, but I wasn’t the most receptive. Auntie A reminded me what I said in my post about what I was trying to do, and then I was just mad at myself for saying it and at her for reminding me (sorry Auntie A!). I just battled through. I prayed and meditated and listened and cried and waited and kept trying. And I told God several times that He was worth it, no matter what the scale said, and I was not going to give up. It wasn’t pretty.

 

What’s the end of the story? Well, we’re not there yet. All I can say is that I’m still trying. I’m still trying to do too much while I’m working on my laser focus, so something on my list is going to have to wait until I get stronger, because right now this work is taking a lot of my energy! And the kids still need groceries, the girls’ hair has to be done, patients need to be care for, and the next Food As Medicine Tea Talk is coming up. Yes, I’m working on it for September and I’ll put out the information very soon, I promise! But some other things I want to do will have to wait a little longer. And that’s ok. When my focus here is strong, I get to turn it to the other things I need to do. I’m just back in training! I still don’t like this hard practicing, but I’m going to do it anyway. It’s necessary for me to grow, and that’s what’s next!

 

 

Ever feel like you can’t do it all? Where are you focusing now? Please share in the comments below!