Ok everyone, it’s confession time. I’ve been slippin’…
Why Dr Christian Parks, wonder woman, mom extraordinaire, whatever do you mean? (Are you catching the sarcasm?) It’s week 52 of this blog, one year worth of posts (though I may have missed a week or two), and with all the thoughts and advice I’ve shared, now I’m going to talk about messing up? What kind of milestone post is this? Well, I don’t really want to talk about it either, but it seems that this is the topic for the week, so here it is.
I’ve gained weight.
How much? About 10 pounds. Big deal, right? It doesn’t really matter if you gain a few pounds after babies and all, does it? Well, here’s the thing. If you go back to week one of this blog and you read How I Lost My Weight, you’ll see why this is a very big deal to me. Losing 55 pounds was a transformative experience for me, and for the most part I had maintained that weight loss. Until after the last baby…
Yeah, I’ll keep her! (It’s herbal tea…)
And? And I don’t like to mess up, or admit failure, or be imperfect, or lose ground I’ve worked hard to cover already. Yes, I’ve talked about my perfectionist tendencies and they are flying their flag right now. I’d rather not disclose this information publicly, because it’s embarrassing. How do I talk about health and nutrition and weight loss success and gain weight? Doctor?
So why am I writing about it here? I’m going to answer that, but first let me give you a little update on the last week. After my mini retreat, I spent a lot of time continuing my conversations with God, about any and everything. And it was great! I felt connected and cared for, and things were going well. But one day late in the week I got on the scale and again, the number was going up. It’s been a ongoing frustration over the past four years, but even more in the past year or so. It seems that every time I gain some water weight from hormone fluctuations (as we women will do), it doesn’t seem to ever really go all the way back down to where I started from. And that means a gradual, real weight gain.
I talked to God about it, and I was frustrated. Keep in mind, this is not a new conversation. He reminded me that I know what I need to do, and I agreed – listening and talking to God over the past week was very reminiscent of how my weight loss journey happened. I had to exercise laser-like focus on listening to God for the signals for hunger and fullness, over and over and over again. For you naturally thin people, you get these signals and heed them automatically, but for me, I have to pay attention. Hard. And honestly, I just haven’t been giving that kind of effort in my eating, and I really hate to have to own up to it. But I hate the gradual weight gain and the feeling of backsliding into a place I promised I’d never return WAY more.
So why share all this here? I’m getting there. Each week I ask God what he wants me to write about, and he answers. Often it’s something I’m learning, and it may or may not be something I’m feeling good about. This week when I asked, the answer was to share about where I am in my weight loss journey. And I argued. Ever do that? Why do I think arguing with God is a good idea? But he was persistent. He said, “Why don’t you want to share?” Truthfully, I didn’t want to write it here because I’m afraid. If I don’t lose the weight, then I look like a hypocrite. And when I said that, he asked why I thought I wouldn’t lose the weight? I said because if I haven’t been able to do it over the past four years, I might not be disciplined enough to do it now. And I could feel him watching me, waiting for me to catch up to the understanding that I was the problem. My weight has been all about me for the past four years, instead of about him. I could feel him saying to me, “I did it before. Why don’t you think I can do it again? Who do you think I really am?” He was right, of course.
Well, there it is. It took me all week to let go of the idea that a different post could be written this week and to sit down and write this one. But here’s the good part: I feel better. I’m strengthening my laser focus and listening and I’m waiting to be hungry. I’m not eating because it’s time to eat, and I’m eating smaller portions. I’m back on the wagon, so to speak. And no, it’s not easy, and I feel out of practice, like starting a new exercise regimen. There is one difference this time though, and I think it’s the one that matters most. I’m not doing this just for the number on the scale or so that my smallest pants will be loose again or so I can claim I lost X number of pounds and kept them off. I hope that all happens! But, I’m doing this so my most important skill, my laser-focus listening to God return and grows as a powerful strength. I need that power to use in so many areas of my life!
When I lost weight the first time, I had one small baby, no blog, and very little understanding of holistic health. And it was hard, but I lost that weight. Now, I have four school aged kids, I lead our group at work, write this blog, homeschool and am sharing integrative medicine and holistic health everywhere I can. I cannot do all that I’m being called to do well without guidance from God. So I’m returning to where I need to be, and it’s a good place to find myself growing.
So I’ll keep writing the blog, and working on my sex ed curriculum, and expanding my nutrition and holistic therapies knowledge (and going to work and taking care of the family!). But I will be practicing first at listening to God, especially in the area of when and what to eat. And this time, it will be more of a joy, because the fruit of my efforts will be greater than a number on a scale. I can’t wait to see what will come!
Have you ever found yourself backsliding? Please tell me I’m not the only one! How do you get back on track? Please share in the comments below!