This past weekend was my grandmother’s memorial service. She was almost 98 years old when she died a few weeks ago.

 

 

Grandma was a wonderful woman and we all were sad to see her go, but 98 years? That’s a long life. So when we gathered in Florida for the service and scattering of her ashes, it was a time of mourning, but was also a time to remember all the good times we had with her and together over the course of her life. Really, it was a family reunion.

Growing up, there were a period of years when my grandmother’s three daughters and all of us cousins lived in the same town in Massachusetts within a few blocks of each other. Each daughter had two of us, and there were also two step cousins who were around a lot, so we rolled deep! Grandma and Grandpa also moved to Brookline for a few years, so we all spent time at each other houses.  The cousins went to school together, hung out watching movies or playing games together, and had all the big holiday meals together. We spent lots of time this weekend laughing over memories of the times we had together and how grandma was the center of so many of those times. It ended up being a great time reconnecting, talking and bonding!

 

Me and my cousins…

 

I wasn’t sure it was going to be that way though. We all went to college in different states, and the last 20 years or so we’ve all been busy getting jobs and traveling and building families, so we haven’t been as close. I also remember one cousin making a comment one time I’ll never forget. This cousin remarked that I was such an overachiever that I wasn’t like the rest of them. It was said in fun, but I took it to heart. I had enough examples of me as an exception that I took this comment to be further confirmation that I wasn’t as much a part of the crew as everyone else.

When you add years of medical school and residency with no breaks, years went by where I didn’t travel back home or see my cousins. In some ways, medical training is like being in the military: The time away and sacrifices that are made directly impact the relationships with your family. At the time I didn’t think about it – I just put my head down and tried to survive the overwhelming amount of work and sleep deprivation. But when I’d see that I’d missed another weekend on Martha’s Vineyard, or a cousin got married and I couldn’t go, I felt further and further away. So when I got the call to attend the memorial service, I wondered if it would be awkward to be there with everyone. Was I going to be the odd one out again?

 

 

It’s never a fun thing to gather when a loved one dies. Getting family together can also bring out lots of historical dysfunction, so I get it when people dread family reunions. Old triggers and rivalries and hard feelings mixed with emotion over the loss can be a minefield. Add a little (or a lot!) of alcohol, and things can get hectic quick. But here’s what I figured out before I went: I am in charge of how I think about these relationships. When a little squabble broke out about who was speaking at the service, I stepped back to see each point of view. When I got around the group of cousins sitting around, talking and laughing and there were no more seats, I had a choice to make. Was I going to feel excluded, or was I going to pull up another chair and sit down with the group? Was I going to decide that there was no room for me, and I had been away too long to be close, or would I decide that I was always part of this cousin group?

Here’s the thing: It only takes one person to create the relationship. Stay with me, because I know that sounds crazy. If I had decided that I wasn’t close to my cousins and that we didn’t have much of a relationship any longer, then I would have pulled back further and acted in a way that was distant, further confirming my lack of closeness with my cousins. And truth here, they wouldn’t have known what was in my head. They can’t feel my feelings. But I can choose to cultivate the love and closeness I want in my own heart by thinking of them in ways that keep me feeling close. The key is in the thoughts I choose to think, and I am in control of that process. I chose to think of each of them with love. Once I got out of my own head and insecurities, I realized how the spouses of the cousins might have felt less included as well – I mean, they didn’t have the childhood memories with us at all!

 

The most fun moment of the weekend was when we gathered the night of the memorial service for dinner and family time. The little cousins decided to put on a “Cousins Got Talent” show, complete with team of hosts, technical director, and producer (y’all, we’ve got a lot of kids!). The kids did a great job and we took pictures and videos and celebrated the kids. Then my Aunt Barbara stepped in and challenged the OG cousins (us!) to do a performance for the family the way we did when we were kids at the holiday gatherings. After some grumbling, we got together in a room to come up with a plan. I figured out my suspicions were right when we had to drag a couple of spouses into the plan! We all got out there and lip synced and rapped different parts to Poison by Bell, Biv, Devoe (remember that one?!). It was hysterical! We’re still laughing over the video of us dancing around like a bunch of grown fools for our kids and parents.

The best moment for me was when the cousins were gathered privately to receive a gift from our grandmother. After it was over, we were being summoned to watch the talent show when someone called out, “Cousin group hug!”. The feeling of closeness and connection in that circle of six is something I will remember. If I hadn’t already decided to be close, I probably would have been the first to wiggle away in discomfort. Instead, because I’d already decided to be close, I thanked them all for our closeness, even though I’d missed so many years with them. They looked at me a little strangely, like “Well, of course!”. It may be the years apart didn’t bother them and I created the distance in my mind. For sure, I was able to create the closeness I wanted in my mind. Whatever everyone else thought and felt isn’t for me to know. But I feel close to them!

 

 

Have you ever realized that you created a whole situation because of how you thought about it? Have you ever changed how you thought about something and changed how you experienced it? Please share in the comments below!