Learning To Face Overwhelm

Sometimes, it feels like life is a tidal wave, a tsunami threatening to come crashing down around me. This past  week was one thing after another, until by the end it felt like everything was about to fall down on top of me. Let me tell you about it…

 

You know what’s about to happen…

 

Before we get to it, stay with me until the end to get the link to part one of my series on Boosting Your Immunity! Now, back to the story…

 

I started the week well. One day I needed to be in the office, and one day in the hospital, but the others I was able to do telemedicine. My schedule seemed planned out well, I was getting things done, and I thought I was managing decently. My mental state seemed better than most when I compared it to some of my colleagues and coworkers – at least I wasn’t feeling overly anxious about getting sick and I was able to see patients without constant worry. I’d developed a whole protocol for how to move about and disinfect/handwash/change shoes/remove outer clothes before I came home, and I felt good about protecting my family. It was hard to go out into work, but I was managing – at least, so I thought. What I’d really been doing was explaining to myself why everything would be ok and reminding myself that I was doing everything I could. But in the background, those corona fears were piling up on top of others, like whether we had enough food to last until the next grocery store run, and whether the kids were moving alone in their homeschool program on pace, and if my parents and his parents were safe and had what they need. And there were more. But I let them simmer in the background, bubbling quietly along. Then Saturday night I got a call to tell me that my substitute homeschool teacher was leaving at the end of the next week and was not going to finish the semester. Right before the end of the year presentations and exams.

 

 

I woke up at 530 Sunday morning, my mind racing. I had a list of to-dos running through my head, so I figured I’d better get up and get started. We had offered the permanent teacher position to a candidate but hadn’t finished references and background check, so that needed to be worked on. My website domain was about to expire and I had to update it – today. What was the schedule for the week? I had no day off scheduled, so how was I going to get everything done? I needed to make a plan. My mind was frantic, running around. I sat down to meditate, but it wouldn’t settle down. I read my bible; I prayed. That chest tightness feeling was still there. So I rushed downstairs to try to start checking things off my list as much as I could before virtual church.

 

It didn’t help. The site upgrade was more complicated than I thought, and customer service was no help. I was rushed and frustrated, and when the kids started milling about I was snappy with them. I told them I was frustrated with the thing I was trying to fix and apologized, then I fled back up to my closet to pray. I laid there on the floor and cried. How was this going to work out? What was I going to do? I still had to go to work, so what was going to happen to the kids and their school work? While I was crying and praying, I had this feeling of being submerged in the ocean, with the water up to my chin, just barely keeping afloat. As I stayed on my knees, I then saw myself carried high above the waters, seeing the vast expanse but not being touched by it. I didn’t know what it meant, but it felt better than almost drowning. I still felt overwhelmed, but I got up. It was time for church.

 

 

This time, my husband had designed a virtual service with worship songs and video. We had been meeting with our family group from church on Zoom, where we’d check in with each other and then listen to the sermon, talk some more and then go out separate ways. It was good for a few weeks, but the singing worship was missing and Perry figured out how get that added in to our virtual connection. We met in the meeting room, greeted each other and shared prayer requests and good news. Then he started the first video song.

The song was Oceans by Hillsong.

When the video for the song started, suddenly there were images of huge expanses of water flying by with rolling and crashing waves. And the lyrics said:

“You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand”

And…